Life changes are inherently stressful. Major disruption in our environments, relationships or routines throws us off balance, and we long for certainty and a sense of “normal” life. In this restless state, our brains seek answers to try to make sense of what happened, where we are now, and what might happen in the future. We search our memories and critique the information there; we deny the change if it is a circumstance out of our control; we wonder if we made the right decision if it was a move we deliberately chose. We ask, “What did I miss?” “What if…?” “Why am I…?” or “What now?”
Transitions, whether positive or negative, have a ripple effect. The identified change, also called the primary change, certainly affects our lives. However, there are numerous shifts (secondary changes) that accompany the primary change leading us to feel that everything is changing, not just one area of our lives.
For example, a mother moves her son into the dorm for his first year of college and shortly thereafter struggles with anxiety. The primary change is her child leaving home, but there are numerous secondary changes that contribute to her stress and affect her lifestyle. The mother worries that her relationship with her son, as well as the remaining family members at home, will be different. She now feels increased financial pressure due to the cost of college expenses and inflation. Like many parents in this situation, she experiences shifts in her identities as a mother, colleague, spouse and community member. She struggles to cope with the sense of loss she feels when passing by her son’s empty room.
When viewing her situation in this way, it makes sense that the mother feels overwhelmed by the situation. Like this mother, we all experience transitions that cause us stress. How can we better cope with these changes in life? Furthermore, how can we regain our balance and prepare to greet the new experiences ahead of us?
Below are seven strategies that can help us cope through changes, both big and small:
Identify the many changes. Under stress, our brains often swirl with thoughts, worries and ideas about a situation without slowing down and thinking through this information in a logical way. We need to give ourselves time to sit down and truly investigate the changes we face. We can approach this process with a sense of curiosity rather than judgment. Sit down in a quiet space, and draw a circle. In the middle of the circle, write the primary change. On the outside of the circle, write out the secondary changes that are causing stress. The issues are then out in front of us rather than cycling through our brains over and over. When we are able to view these points on paper, we may feel more capable of handling them in a healthy way.
Take time to grieve. As we acknowledge the changes in our lives, we can allow ourselves time to grieve each one. We deserve the space to mourn and honor the past before moving forward. Any major loss creates a range of emotions; there is no one way we “should” feel when experiencing a shift in life. Fighting against genuine feelings requires a tremendous amount of energy, which we could put to better use focusing on the new opportunities ahead.
Explore values. As we reflect more deeply on the changes we are facing, we gain further insight into our needs, values and desires. Values ground and guide us on an authentic and healthy course when navigating change. Core values are unique to each individual, and it is critical to know what we personally believe is important in life. Once we have a better understanding of the things that are meaningful in life, then we are able to pursue opportunities that foster a sense of authenticity. Simple questions to begin a values discovery include: In what situations have I felt happiest? What was I doing? Who was I with? What were my surroundings like? How can I incorporate more of this into my life?
Focus on the present. In times of transition, human minds tend to lag in past experiences, catapult into future uncertainties, and replay this loop. In doing so, our brains get stuck in a frustrating and unproductive cycle. The best place for our brains during a transition is the present day. When we notice that our minds are wandering away from the present moment, we can gently ask ourselves what we can do right now, in this moment. If finding an answer to that question is difficult, we can give ourselves two options, no matter how small they seem (e.g., “Do I want to call a friend or take a walk?”), and make a choice. This practice reinforces the idea that we do have options and can make choices in our lives. Avoid the statement, “I need to…”, as this demand promotes the idea that we don’t really have a choice in what to do next or that we are somehow failing if we choose a different option other than what needs to be done. By engaging in a small choice now, we bring our minds back to the present day, where we can focus on our current options.
Practice self-compassion. A wonderful tool that helps us remain in the present is self-compassion. If we find our brains ruminating on the past, we can seek to view past choices from a place of love rather than a space of regret. What would we say to a best friend if they were in our situation? Likely, we would give them reassurance that they made the best choices they could with the information they had at the time. We would show them grace and remind them of our friendship and support. Now, we can take these actions and apply them to ourselves. We can offer ourselves the same reassurance and support that we would show to others.
Meet basic needs. As we struggle to make sense of the big changes in life, our brains work overtime and our bodies get depleted. Navigating big changes is physically, emotionally, and mentally tiring. Make the effort to eat healthy meals, drink water, and get adequate exercise and rest. When we take care of physical needs, we gain a healthier headspace to tend to the mental and emotional work ahead.
Seek support. With any major life change, we can all benefit from the support and insight of others. Whether a trusted friend, family member, spiritual leader or mental health professional, we deserve a healthy relationship with someone who can validate our experiences and explore options for the future.
Change is hard, but it can be managed successfully with healthy coping skills and support. If you or your loved one would benefit from therapy or consultation, please contact West County Psychological Associates at (314) 275-8599 and get connected with a compassionate and experienced therapist.
Amy Neu, MSW, LCSW
Amy Neu, MSW, LCSW is the Assistant Director of Senior Services at WCPA. She provides private therapy for adults, families, and seniors who are facing a variety of issues including depression, anxiety, grief, coping with medical issues, and end of life. Amy has significant experience counseling seniors, caregivers, and families within medical systems and during transitional periods from home to alternate levels of care. She is a Certified Dementia Care Specialist.