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“We are all going to depend on something!” “What is that giving you that you are not getting?” The former statement is one a colleague shared with me in a conversation years ago, the latter is a question I often think about when I work with clients who have addictions. They both provide a nice segue into the question, “What is addiction and how should it be treated?”

We have known for years that alcohol and drugs can be addictive and our current opioid epidemic reminds us of the serious nature of drug addiction and its consequences. Our collective consciousness has grown in recent years to understand the many things or behaviors to which one can get addicted, including gambling, sex, food, shopping, social media, video games, and people, to name just some. While addictions look very different on the surface, common dynamics are at work.

All addictions include a loss of control. The person is not able to control the amount they engage in the behavior through their own will. So, for example, the alcoholic may think they can limit their drinking to one beer per night, only to find out that they ended up drinking eight. The individual who binges food may tell themselves they will only have two Oreos, only to eat a sleeve of them. Similarly, the person addicted to video games may think they can limit their play to two hours, only to play all night. 

An inability to stop the addiction through one’s own volition is another hallmark of addiction. The individual may cease the addiction for a certain period, only to pick it up again. Sometimes, one can stop for an extended time, but does not address the underlying problems that fuel the addiction. This is commonly referred to as “white knuckling” and includes hurtful behaviors. 

All addictions are cyclical. They often begin with a preoccupation with the object or behavior and lead to certain rituals and behaviors. For example, those addicted to alcohol will be preoccupied about when and how they will drink, and sometimes, with whom. Those addicted to video games will be preoccupied with when and what they will play, leading to the ritual of playing a certain and predictable game for an uncontrollable amount of time. The preoccupation, rituals, and then addictive behavior are inevitably followed by negative feelings and diminished self-esteem which, in turn, starts the cycle all over again. 

Often, I tell clients that addiction is remarkable and clever, for it is a coping mechanism, a way of trying to deal with feelings and the need for healthy dependency and purpose. Yet, the very feelings it attempts to cope with (shame, guilt, depression, resentment, and anxiety) and an unhealthy dependency are what it creates more of. While it is a survival or coping mechanism, it simply does not work in the long run and creates more problems. 

Addictions negatively impact very predictable areas of one’s life. Because the individual is consumed by the addictive behavior, they are less available to relationships with significant others, friends, family, and colleagues. Legal or job problems can occur due to the amount of time spent in the addiction or its consequences. One’s sense of self is also eroded. The individual’s access to their feelings, hobbies, leisure, and general enjoyment of life are dampened and, sometimes, extinguished. In short, the person’s dependency on the object of addiction narrows all aspects of their being and relationship to the world. Addiction is the negative outcome of the dilemma, “We’re all going to depend on something.”

The only lasting way out of addiction is to work through the feelings one avoids and copes with through the addiction in the context of healing relationships. Yet, to do this one must be in a solid position with adequate internal and external resources. The nature, the progression of the addiction, and the individual’s level of support, determine the appropriate level of care. Some may require a period of inpatient treatment for stabilization and to help them gain the ongoing resources for recovery. Those whose addictions are serious, but do not require the most intensive treatment, often find that intensive outpatient treatment can provide the needed support, education, and resources to help them with their ongoing recovery. Often, therapy and 12 Step groups provide adequate structure for recovery and provide the best prognosis for long-term recovery.

Psychotherapy can provide a healthy dependency to counter addiction. Therapy should facilitate an exploration of healthy and unhealthy patterns, their origins, and the underlying feelings that fuel these patterns. It can support the expression of feelings by being the “container” to hold them without concern for repercussions. 

Sometimes, 12 Step groups are needed – they provide a unique function. These groups provide a safe and non-judgmental place to share with others who struggle to learn that one is not alone with the addiction or its consequences. This can help neutralize the feelings that fuel the addiction. Support from a trusted sponsor in the program, someone who has significant recovery from the addiction, can provide tools and a road map to recovery. Working the 12 Steps can help heal aspects of one’s character that contribute to the addiction. The various aspects of the program can provide the healthy dependency that counters addiction.  Both 12-Step groups and therapy can lead to an experience and recognition of what healthy relationships and dependency are, which, in turn, can lead the individual to create healthy relationships and find purpose and meaning in their broader world. 

There is a dialectical tension between healthy dependency and finding one’s place in the world. The healthy dependency created in therapy and 12 Step programs, as they help rework patterns, character, and underlying feelings, inevitably leads to greater satisfaction in one’s broader world. Recovery from addiction in this way can lead to satisfying relationships, relationships that allow for mutuality in terms of sensitivity to one’s needs and feelings and a commitment to work through conflict to arrive at a deeper understanding of the other. 

Recovery can also lead to a newfound or renewed sense of purpose. Being freed from the addictive cycle and the weight of the underlying feelings leads to greater vibrancy and a new vision in whatever one does: parenting, volunteering, working, etc. This successful outcome is captured in the often-shared statement by those who recover, “I don’t need that anymore (the addiction). I’m high on life.” The mood-altering experience, or high, of addiction is no longer needed, as it has been replaced by a deeper satisfaction with loving relationships and accomplishment. This is the “what” the addiction can never give that can be gained through hard work and the right help.

I’ve been thinking recently about the last few years, especially 2020 and 2021. I’m grateful that I could not have foreseen a year where our office would be closed to in-person clients and we would be seeing our clients by video or phone. I didn’t see my therapists in person for months. Yet we carried on, business as usual. We saw our clients, conducted team meetings weekly and met with our study group – all through Zoom.  It wasn’t an ideal situation, but it worked. 

This was also the time when we isolated; everyone was working from home. The office manager and I were the only ones in the office, because we were still running a business and some of our work couldn’t be done from home. And then in February 2021, after the vaccine arrived, the world appeared to be coming out and we made the decision to see clients, in person, with all the necessary restrictions.

At this point, I can’t remember who my first in-person client was. But I remember vividly the intense emotion I had when this person walked in and sat across from me. It was bizarre. I felt that I previously hadn’t been able to breathe and now I could take a deep breath. I had never experienced anything like this before. It felt unbelievably freeing. I knew that this had everything to do with having a real person in the office – not on FaceTime or Zoom. There was a palpable energy that I was experiencing that didn’t present itself with technology.

This feeling has continued, but more in the form of noticing that if I am experiencing a negative feeling, for example if I am tired, or a little down or a little anxious, these feelings dissipate when I am involved with a client discussing their issues or have a meaningful conversation with a friend or relative. I can freely breathe. The only explanation I can give is, being face to face, there is a human connection between myself and the other person.

Humans are social beings. Our brains are influenced by social experiences. We know that how we handle stress in early life strongly influences how we handle it and interact with others in later years. We know from studies that chronic, significant stressors can decrease the connections in our brains that involve memory and higher order information processing, such as in the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex. Research has also shown having social connections and interacting with others can affect changes in the brain, such as improving memory and recall, while protecting the brain from neurodegenerative disease.

Maintaining close friendships later in life could help in preventing mental decline. Studies have found that “Super-Agers,” defined as people aged 80 and above, who had close friends, had the mental agility of much younger people. “Super-Agers” endorsed greater levels of positive social relationships than their cognitively average-age peers. Another study on “Super-Agers” found that they were constantly surrounded by family, neighbors and the community who actively supported each other.

Besides our intellectual well-being, social contact can affect our health. Having a variety of social relationships may help reduce stress and heart risks. These connections may improve our ability to fight off germs or give us a positive outlook for health. Those in long-term relationships tend to live longer and have better heart health than those not married. When a relationship is full of conflict, health benefits may shrink. In one study, it said that how couples behave during conflict can affect wound healing and blood levels of stress hormones. 

In a study at Carnegie Mellon University, in Pittsburgh, they found that the more diverse people’s social networks, meaning the more types of connections they had, the less likely they were to develop a cold after exposure to the cold virus. They found evidence that people with more types of connections also tend to have better health behaviors, not smoking or drinking, and more positive emotions.

Along with social support, it’s been found that when we communicate with people face-to-face it reduces stress factors. It releases oxytocin, which increases our level of trust and lowers our cortisol levels, thus lowering our stress. As another result of social interaction, dopamine is generated, which diminishes pain, serving as a natural morphine.  Another study found that people with cancer who had social support fared better when receiving cancer treatments. One study cited hugging specifically as a form of touch that can strengthen the immune system.

Most of us are aware that emotional intimacy is integral to human connection. To create that bond of intimacy with another, we need to: 

–         Accept the other person for who they are and not for what we need them to be

–         Relate to each other on an emotional level

–         Enhance the welfare of the other

–         Give emotional support during difficult times

–         Recognize and communicate the unique value of the other person

–         Be able to share our real selves.

Being intimate with another is an emotional exchange, not an intellectual one. It is the sharing of the true self. Intimacy is the ultimate vehicle for finding human connection. The benefits are great – whether they be physical, intellectual, or emotional.

Life changes are inherently stressful. Major disruption in our environments, relationships or routines throws us off balance, and we long for certainty and a sense of “normal” life. In this restless state, our brains seek answers to try to make sense of what happened, where we are now, and what might happen in the future. We search our memories and critique the information there; we deny the change if it is a circumstance out of our control; we wonder if we made the right decision if it was a move we deliberately chose. We ask, “What did I miss?” “What if…?” “Why am I…?” or “What now?”

Transitions, whether positive or negative, have a ripple effect. The identified change, also called the primary change, certainly affects our lives. However, there are numerous shifts (secondary changes) that accompany the primary change leading us to feel that everything is changing, not just one area of our lives. 

For example, a mother moves her son into the dorm for his first year of college and shortly thereafter struggles with anxiety. The primary change is her child leaving home, but there are numerous secondary changes that contribute to her stress and affect her lifestyle. The mother worries that her relationship with her son, as well as the remaining family members at home, will be different. She now feels increased financial pressure due to the cost of college expenses and inflation. Like many parents in this situation, she experiences shifts in her identities as a mother, colleague, spouse and community member. She struggles to cope with the sense of loss she feels when passing by her son’s empty room.  

When viewing her situation in this way, it makes sense that the mother feels overwhelmed by the situation. Like this mother, we all experience transitions that cause us stress. How can we better cope with these changes in life? Furthermore, how can we regain our balance and prepare to greet the new experiences ahead of us?  

Below are seven strategies that can help us cope through changes, both big and small:

Identify the many changes. Under stress, our brains often swirl with thoughts, worries and ideas about a situation without slowing down and thinking through this information in a logical way. We need to give ourselves time to sit down and truly investigate the changes we face. We can approach this process with a sense of curiosity rather than judgment. Sit down in a quiet space, and draw a circle. In the middle of the circle, write the primary change. On the outside of the circle, write out the secondary changes that are causing stress. The issues are then out in front of us rather than cycling through our brains over and over. When we are able to view these points on paper, we may feel more capable of handling them in a healthy way.  

Take time to grieve. As we acknowledge the changes in our lives, we can allow ourselves time to grieve each one. We deserve the space to mourn and honor the past before moving forward. Any major loss creates a range of emotions; there is no one way we “should” feel when experiencing a shift in life. Fighting against genuine feelings requires a tremendous amount of energy, which we could put to better use focusing on the new opportunities ahead.

Explore values. As we reflect more deeply on the changes we are facing, we gain further insight into our needs, values and desires. Values ground and guide us on an authentic and healthy course when navigating change. Core values are unique to each individual, and it is critical to know what we personally believe is important in life. Once we have a better understanding of the things that are meaningful in life, then we are able to pursue opportunities that foster a sense of authenticity. Simple questions to begin a values discovery include:  In what situations have I felt happiest? What was I doing? Who was I with? What were my surroundings like? How can I incorporate more of this into my life?

Focus on the present. In times of transition, human minds tend to lag in past experiences, catapult into future uncertainties, and replay this loop. In doing so, our brains get stuck in a frustrating and unproductive cycle. The best place for our brains during a transition is the present day. When we notice that our minds are wandering away from the present moment, we can gently ask ourselves what we can do right now, in this moment. If finding an answer to that question is difficult, we can give ourselves two options, no matter how small they seem (e.g., “Do I want to call a friend or take a walk?”), and make a choice. This practice reinforces the idea that we do have options and can make choices in our lives. Avoid the statement, “I need to…”, as this demand promotes the idea that we don’t really have a choice in what to do next or that we are somehow failing if we choose a different option other than what needs to be done. By engaging in a small choice now, we bring our minds back to the present day, where we can focus on our current options.  

Practice self-compassion. A wonderful tool that helps us remain in the present is self-compassion. If we find our brains ruminating on the past, we can seek to view past choices from a place of love rather than a space of regret. What would we say to a best friend if they were in our situation? Likely, we would give them reassurance that they made the best choices they could with the information they had at the time. We would show them grace and remind them of our friendship and support. Now, we can take these actions and apply them to ourselves. We can offer ourselves the same reassurance and support that we would show to others.  

Meet basic needs. As we struggle to make sense of the big changes in life, our brains work overtime and our bodies get depleted. Navigating big changes is physically, emotionally, and mentally tiring. Make the effort to eat healthy meals, drink water, and get adequate exercise and rest. When we take care of physical needs, we gain a healthier headspace to tend to the mental and emotional work ahead.

Seek support. With any major life change, we can all benefit from the support and insight of others. Whether a trusted friend, family member, spiritual leader or mental health professional, we deserve a healthy relationship with someone who can validate our experiences and explore options for the future.

Change is hard, but it can be managed successfully with healthy coping skills and support. If you or your loved one would benefit from therapy or consultation, please contact West County Psychological Associates at (314) 275-8599 and get connected with a compassionate and experienced therapist.

School violence, book bans from school libraries, culture wars, the pandemic, hybrid learning, failing students, teacher shortages… it goes on and on. No, these are not the titles of the latest HBO Max movies, but unfortunately, just a microcosm of issues facing today’s schools.

The complexity of problems in our schools and the speed at which problems are impacting student learning are too complicated for one brain to solve. Issues affecting our schools require groups of people with varying strengths to shift to organizational thinking and employ effective principles and paradigms. Educational leaders must be motivated to develop new kinds of learning organizations. Consider adapting to change through collaborative teaching and learning in the educational organization.

Collaboration is the action of working with someone to produce or create something; education is the process of receiving or giving systematic instruction, preparing others intellectually for mature life. These definitions intersect in the areas of producing, preparing, and creating. The efficacy of teaching and collaborating is manifested when educators are working together to produce, prepare and create.

In the book Thinking in the Future Tense, by Jennifer James, the author presents the concept of “seeing with new eyes.” In developing that thought, she describes the condition of “lost perspective.” Lost perspective happens when the events of the world speed up and we feel personally threatened. The result is distorted thinking and a loss of reality. The distortion of reality actually protects us and gives our thought processes a chance to catch up.

This description of distorted thinking is an accurate picture of the world in which we live today. Distorted thinking permeates our worlds’ thought processes. There has been a magnitude of distortions of the facts today because the world’s events have been so overwhelming. Therefore, each of us tends to only see what we are prepared to see.

Also consider mental models. This construct is developed in The Fifth Discipline when Peter Senge explores mental models as a deeply held vision or belief about how the world works. When one develops his or her mental model, it becomes ingrained and is difficult to perceive things any other way. Again, each of us tends only to see that information that fits our pre-existing mental model.

When living in a quickly changing world, foundational organizations like schools must find new ways to avoid the trap of lost perspective and the limits of pre-existing mental models. It’s necessary to adopt new attitudes, employ innovative thinking, and develop new mindsets.

In schools and in businesses, collaborative learning and problem-solving is a way to embrace the synergy created when brains work together on the same goal. Creative teams have people who can abandon regularly excepted solutions and explore possibilities that extend beyond historical approaches to problems and traditionally accepted solutions. Such teams find ways that we can not only “roll with the punches” but develop defensive strategies to “decrease the punches” in the first place.

Educators are the best independent thinkers in the world. The evidence is seen in their ability to problem solve daily, while meeting the expectations of their leaders, parents, and communities. Unfortunately, educators have been bogged down in bureaucracy and structural thinking in a system that has operated the same for over 200 years. Success will not be found in the same old systems and the same old solutions.

There are new and diverse ways to manipulate the information available to us today. During times of personal growth and collaborative learning, one must increase knowledge by interacting and learning from others while simultaneously decreasing personal judgements and biases. We can consider doing this by:

• Learning to relax
• Sharpening your listening skills
• Seeking first to understand
• Employing resilience skills; bouncing back from adversity
• Developing a high tolerance for chaos

And we can develop learning organizations where there is scheduled time to:

• Observe each other’s practice and give feedback
• Examine student work as a team
• Meet regularly to share ideas and perspectives
• Meet regularly to identify problems and find solutions
• Meet regularly to examine educational literature
• Be a reflective practitioner and share reflections with colleagues

Change is inevitable, and during times of great change, we can become despondent, losing faith in our leaders and ourselves. However, collaborative teaching and learning can create a shared vision and increase creative ways to address the current and future needs of the populations we serve. 

Summer is drawing to a close and a new school year is about to begin. For many of us, this brings stress as we witness our children’s anxieties about school increasing. For our children, the transition from summer to school may be scary due to fear of the unknown and the anticipated change in routine. This can leave us as parents trying to find ways to address the anxiety while also trying hard not to play into it and make it worse. Luckily, as parents, we are able to implement a few practical strategies that may be helpful for decreasing our children’s back-to-school anxiety, which can also set up our families for more successful and peaceful transitions into the school year.

· Validate your child’s worries. Sometimes we fear that this may make the anxiety worse but it can actually be helpful to reassure your child that it is very normal for all of us to be nervous about new experiences, including you. Allow your child to voice concerns and fears. It may be reassuring for you to remind your child of times that he or she was worried and then ended up having a good experience.

· If separation from you is a concern, start practicing. Start by talking about the need to separate during the school day. Read books about children going to school and talk about the fun things that your child will experience at school. Talk through what your child’s specific drop-off and pick-up routine will look like. Create times to separate from your child, if possible, so that he or she can ease into being away from you in preparation for the first day of school. You can also create a reward system with your child for the first few weeks of school where your child can earn engaging in a favorite activity with you after successfully separating from you at school. This can reinforce easier separation from you and provide a safe and fun way for you to stay connected to each other during this hectic time of year.

· Adjust the family schedule to the schedule your family follows during the school year. This can be done by adjusting dinner, bedtime, and wake-up times a little every few days until they are in line with the school year schedule you hope to follow. This can cut down on some of the fatigue that comes with schedule adjustment by letting the schedule gradually shift and may also decrease any irritability or emotionality that often exist in the first few weeks of school.

· Spend some time at the school. You can start as simply as taking your child to play on the playground a couple of times. If possible, set up times for your child to be inside of the building by attending any meet-the-teacher events or just arranging an informal time for your child to meet the teacher and see the new classroom ahead of time. Middle and high school students often benefit from having time to practice walking their schedules inside of the building and either connecting or reconnecting with their assigned school counselor and/or administrators.

· Incorporate some relaxation activities into your child’s daily routine. This will help calm his or her anxiety now as school approaches while also introducing and practicing effective strategies to manage anxiety in the future. Short walks in nature, listening to soothing music, practicing yoga, deep breathing or simply blowing bubbles can all have a calming effect on your child and naturally help decrease feelings of anxiety.

· Plan ahead to create an after school schedule for your child that allows for a balance of decompression time and necessary tasks like homework and/or household chores. If possible, it would be best to accommodate your child’s unique personality and needs when setting this up for them. For example, some children need a break and/or snack when first returning home before they can transition to homework and chores, where other children thrive on accomplishing these things first so that they have the remainder of the evening to relax and unwind.

Even with all of these in place, the first few weeks of school may still be tough on parents and children. We can all give ourselves and our children some grace during this time. It is wise to consider planning for extra family time and relaxation as we all get back into the school routine.

If your child’s anxiety symptoms are not decreasing or are getting worse after a few days of school, consider reaching out to your child’s school counselor for support. There may be available interventions at school that can help. Your school counselor can also be a great resource in helping to determine if your child’s anxiety would best be addressed through counseling in the community. You are always welcome to call the West County Psychological Associates office at (314) 275-8599 to discuss the possibility of counseling services for your child or teen who struggles with anxiety.